Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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