I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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