you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
