we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
