On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Where did you get a picture of my penis
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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