my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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