May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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