she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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