Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
