I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
