Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
