there's paper in my vomit.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
