While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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