i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
