Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
