the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
