my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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