I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
