I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
