so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
