So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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