two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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