I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i love accidental penises.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
