I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
