Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
