I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
