I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
