you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
