and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
