Don't make out with my wife yet
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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