her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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