I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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