Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
