i may or may not be watching the land before time
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
