I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
