I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
