You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
