ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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