i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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