I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize