I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
