Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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