I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think people are normalizing furries
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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