We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
