My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
