Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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