Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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