I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
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