plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
