Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
