Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
