As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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