The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
