Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
