You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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