Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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