Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
