Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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