He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
